I'm really getting fucking tired of listening to people bitch about the high gas prices as they crawl back into their SUV or 4 door truck. If it hurts you that much to fill up your daily driver than trade the damned thing in for something smaller and more fuel efficient or shut the fuck up! I don't complain and I have two trucks that I drive. I spend about $1200 a month on gas since a good bit of my job is driving and I don't complain about it. I have just gone up on my prices, though most people can't do that since they work for some company and they can't just goto HR and say I need more money to drive to work. But instead of driving their SUV by themselves to work which is a huge fucking waste they could get a much more economical vehicle for commuting to work and either sell the gas guzzler or only use it when they need all that extra room.
Hell in most major cities they offer something called public transportation where you can drive to a location close to where you live and ride it to the business district. But who the fuck wants to walk 4 fucking blocks when they can bitch about how much it took to fill up their Escalade.
I have seen an increase in scooters around where I live so some people are actually taking measures to change things but not that many. I still see these tricked out duellies belching out black smoke as the idiot in the drivers seat floors it to get to the next red light first. Which reminds me, I hate those fuckers that insist on putting the loudest fucking pipes on their trucks so you can listen to them for miles after they have passed you. I'd like to tape their head to that fucking loud ass exhaust pipe and floor it for a few miles and see if they still like the sound. I don't know who came up with the idea of putting a ten inch barrel at the end of the exhaust pipe but I'd like to find him and shoot him/her!!!
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?" He said, "Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex, she called me from Chicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.
An email from Ireland to the brethren in the States ...
A point to ponder despite your political affiliation:
We, in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.
On one side, you have a pants-wearing lawyer, married to a lawyer who can't keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer who goes to the wrong church who is married to yet another lawyer who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run.
Now ... On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate Mc terminology married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship.
What, in Lords name, are you lads thinking over there in the colonies?
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman , Montana , while awaiting their respective flights.
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At one time here... my people were many... but sadly, now we are few.'
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'
The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . ..
'I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, But I do believe it's a-comin'.
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?
He asks her 'Shall we? She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
Victoria, Texas is a town about 80 miles west of Houston.
Local Hispanic leaders there, in opposition to pending Immigration Legislation, boycotted all Caucasian owned businesses in the Victoria area this weekend as a demonstration of their economic impact on the community.
The boycott was declared a success by the Hispanic community, noting that revenue in Caucasian owned businesses was down by 19%.
Business owners declared the boycott a success as well, pointing out that shoplifting was reduced by 77%.
And...shoppers reported they could actually hear English being spoken throughout the stores for the first time in recent memory...and customers paid with real money, not government cards....
That's all for this week, hope you have as much fun with this update as I did. See you next week same time same place? If you find something that might interest me then contact me. Or if you just want to ask me something or even complain about something. I will get back to all of you and if it's really good I might answer you here. Make sure to check out my archives. So until next week don't get caught and I won't tell on you.
Last post made by: malektaus™ on Jul 19 2008, 10:55 PM
So how was everyone's 4th of July? Mine was pretty good. Went out to a friends house and enjoyed some good beer and BBQ. Got to watch 3 different fireworks shows and no one got injured. I think we need more 3 day weekends during the summer months, there's just too much work and not enough time to relax this time of year for me.
We are absolutely in summer here. We are hovering in the mid to upper 90s and supposed to hit 100 degrees this weekend, they say a "cool front" will be moving in early next week and dropping us to the lower 90s. That's going to feel like a nice spring day if it happens. I just wish all the rain that the flooded areas are getting would find it's way down to us but as usual the high pressure zone has settled in on us and it's not looking very promising. On the bright side though this weather has us extremely busy! This is the time of year that we make the bulk of our money so I'm not complaining. I was asked to work tomorrow but I already have plans so that's a no go. I've spent three fucking days this week on roof tops and that heat just takes so much out of me when I'm in it all day. They say your supposed to drink so much water when your in the heat like that all day but after so many drinks I just get water logged and can't stand to drink any more. I must say though that my tan has never looked better.
Well I'm still rather tired from spending today on 2 different roofs so I think I'm going to cut this part short. Hope everyone has a good weekend.
When I got home last night my wife demanded I take her somewhere expensive.....so I took her to the gas station.....and that's when the fight started!
After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security, The woman behind the counter asked for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked for my wallet but realized I'd left it at home. I said that I was sorry and that I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "unbutton your shirt". So I unbuttoned my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home I excitedly told my wife about my experience. She said, "you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too". And that's when the fight started!
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at her table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?'' Yes I sighed. She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took up drinking after we broke up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God! " says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long!" And that's when the fight started!
I rear ended a car this morning. So, there we are along side the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed that little things just seem extra funny to you. Yea, well I couldn't believe it...he was a DWARF!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted....I am NOT HAPPY!!! So, I looked down at him and said, " Well, which one ARE you?" And that's when the fight started!
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' Eight,' the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.'
I've found the end to this update, hope it keeps you entertained until next week. I think I had fun doing this one, if not then next week I'll just drink more beer before I do it. If you find something that might interest me then contact me. Or if you just want to ask me something or even complain about something. I will get back to all of you and if it's really good I might answer you here. So until next week don't get caught and I won't tell on you.
Last post made by: Death Dealer on Jul 16 2008, 05:48 AM
